A Weighty Issue

This has been turning in my brain since my doctor's appointment on Monday. I started Zoloft about 6 weeks ago and since then I have felt a lot better (my good friend Roblyn the Goblyn convinced me to go on drugs. She said she just needs a little help to get through the winter, which made me think it was okay for me to ask for help), but I haven't been hungry. So I've lost some weight.

My doctor told me that my recent weight loss was concerning. I was getting to the point where I weighed too little for my height. I was shocked. Somehow, despite 13 years of dieting, I have never understood that my weight is relative to my height. Sure, I knew that if a person who was 5 feet weighed 150 pounds they would be over-weight, whereas a person who was 6 feet and weighed the same would be underweight. I just never knew this applied to me.

See, I always thought I needed to weigh this magic number, 115, and then my parents would love me and they would be proud of me. My sister wouldn't be embarrassed of me and I would be worth something. At that weight my BMI would be 17.5 and extremely unhealthy. But I equated that magic number with being accepted in my family.

When she told me I was underweight I laughed. I can't possibly be underweight, have you seen my extra skin? It matches quite nicely with my stretch marks. Then I passed out at the vet's office (by the way, the floor stinks like no other!) and I started wondering what I am doing to myself. I have been on a very restrictive diet since we went dress shopping for my sister's wedding. I am the only one in her wedding that is over 5 feet and weighs over 100 pounds. I am an amazon woman compared to the petite things that make of the rest of her bridal party.

For the first time in 13 years (save for when I was pregnant), I am not on a diet. I feel guilty every time I eat, am still not hungry, but I am not counting every calorie I take in and trying to burn every calorie off. My place of employment bought lunch today. I didn't order something low calorie, I ordered what I thought would taste good (I only ate about half of it, but that is another story).

Fainting scared me. I cannot run a marathon on less than 1700 calories a day. I have decided it is more important to be healthy (this feeling faint all the time has got to stop) than fit into a size 6. We will see how that goes for me.

Body Image

The truth is, I've always thought I was fat whether I weighed 135 pounds or 160 pounds or 200 pounds. No matter what I see when I look in the mirror, I always see fat. Do I engage in eating practices that are probably unsafe? Sure, sometimes. Have I gone without eating in the past? Of course.

I wasn't prepared for how pregnancy would change my body. I knew that I would expand but I thought magically my body would return to its former shape. I weigh less than I did when I got pregnant, but my body is no where close to where it was. My boobs are bigger (38D instead of a 36C) so my prepregnancy shirts are all to short. I have stretch marks. Lots of stretch marks. And extra skin that beautifully hangs over the top of some of my tighter pants.

My measurements are the same as before I was pregnant, but clothes that looked good before look good no longer. I have worked very hard to lose the 32 pounds I gained while pregnant and then some (to date I have lost 54 pounds), but the truth is, I am still not happy with my body.

Usually I do very good watching what I eat and stopping when I am hungry, but when I am around my mother it all falls apart. Too many times while growing up she said to me, "You don't need that. You aren't hungry. You don't need to eat that." How could she know if I was hungry or not? Her comments made me feel bad that because I was the size I was, I was fat. I started not eating much at meals and sneaking food to my room to eat in peace.

When I left home, I started losing weight. I could eat when and what I wanted without having to feel guilty or listen to nagging about it.

It is hard to feel good about a normal post-pregnancy body when you see celebraties that lose the weight as soon as the child is born. I guess, if I could afford a nanny, a personal trainer, and an abdominal plasty, I could look like that, too. But, because I can't, I have to deal. I found a website that I think is amazing.

http://theshapeofamother.com/home.php

I wish I could be that proud of my body.