This has been turning in my brain since my doctor's appointment on Monday. I started Zoloft about 6 weeks ago and since then I have felt a lot better (my good friend Roblyn the Goblyn convinced me to go on drugs. She said she just needs a little help to get through the winter, which made me think it was okay for me to ask for help), but I haven't been hungry. So I've lost some weight.
My doctor told me that my recent weight loss was concerning. I was getting to the point where I weighed too little for my height. I was shocked. Somehow, despite 13 years of dieting, I have never understood that my weight is relative to my height. Sure, I knew that if a person who was 5 feet weighed 150 pounds they would be over-weight, whereas a person who was 6 feet and weighed the same would be underweight. I just never knew this applied to me.
See, I always thought I needed to weigh this magic number, 115, and then my parents would love me and they would be proud of me. My sister wouldn't be embarrassed of me and I would be worth something. At that weight my BMI would be 17.5 and extremely unhealthy. But I equated that magic number with being accepted in my family.
When she told me I was underweight I laughed. I can't possibly be underweight, have you seen my extra skin? It matches quite nicely with my stretch marks. Then I passed out at the vet's office (by the way, the floor stinks like no other!) and I started wondering what I am doing to myself. I have been on a very restrictive diet since we went dress shopping for my sister's wedding. I am the only one in her wedding that is over 5 feet and weighs over 100 pounds. I am an amazon woman compared to the petite things that make of the rest of her bridal party.
For the first time in 13 years (save for when I was pregnant), I am not on a diet. I feel guilty every time I eat, am still not hungry, but I am not counting every calorie I take in and trying to burn every calorie off. My place of employment bought lunch today. I didn't order something low calorie, I ordered what I thought would taste good (I only ate about half of it, but that is another story).
Fainting scared me. I cannot run a marathon on less than 1700 calories a day. I have decided it is more important to be healthy (this feeling faint all the time has got to stop) than fit into a size 6. We will see how that goes for me.
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Weight is one of those issues that is very personal to me. I went through a period in high school where I lived on a granola bar and a diet pepsi per day, 1 bag of popcorn and a glass of orange juice per week. I did get very, very thin. I weighed 109 pounds. I truly belived that I would be happy if I lost more weight. Looking back, the truth is that I was much less happy starving myself. But now I face the exact opposite, being greatly overweight. I know that I am most happiest at a weight in the middle, which is where I want to be, but if I never get there, but am otherwise healthy, I am okay with that. Now that I know life will be no better and no worse based on my weight, I am much happier. But it took me a long, long time to figure that- over half my life. It's a struggle, but it can be overcome. Just take care of yourself, that's whats most important.
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